And kept working.

I always tell people who ask me “where do I start with game development” to make small games. Prototype a lot, fail a lot. It’s ok. Share them online.

The reason why I recommend this is only partially about learning and “getting better at it”, it’s more so about getting addicted to the high. The high of actually going through and finishing and publishing stuff. Knowing you made something that affects people enough they’re willing to let you know their thoughts on it.

Equally important, it’s also about training you in losing your sense of shame. The point of creative endeavors is to express yourself and how you view the world, not how other people do. It is a vulnerable position that you must become comfortable being in.

I released Bloodlife. A Hotline Miami 1 mod that was 10 years in development a few months back. Reception was pretty positive. Early on I couldn’t really help but feel that people were going easy on me since they knew how long I had been working on it, but seeing people make fanart of my characters made me realize that I made something that people could connect to on an emotional level.

There was negative feedback too. People said that the game meant nothing to them. Some of those people were artists whom I respect, yet they have no opinion about it, and they don’t care.

But then I remember Pablo Picasso’s thoughts on the moon landing:

“It means nothing to me. I have no opinion about it, and I don’t care.”

I achieved something incredible and closed a chapter of my life. Armed with only the broken undocumented code from a decompiled game made in an outdated engine I taught myself game development, design and programming. I had something I wanted to say to the world and said it in a way that feels true to myself.

Friends I had made throughout the years at various points throughout development who still remembered me sent me brief congratulation messages. I thanked them. I am so glad I got to meet so many wonderful people. Even crazier is I was able to tie some loose ends with old rivalries.

But outside of the computer; there was no party. I didn’t go out and have beers with friends to celebrate a job well done. There was no paycheck to collect.

After publishing the game, I didn’t leave my computer to rest, but instead stood vigilant towards any bugs people reported and quickly patched them out. No time for big updates and promises of a version 2.0, if someone reported a bug, a patch would go up ASAP. I had spent months playtesting the game over and over, but the truth is nothing compares to actually having thousands of players each trying out unique sequences of commands. This meant that even after hitting publish, I wasn’t done. But eventually my body couldn’t stay awake anymore.

I went to bed.

The next day I woke up.

Then I sat at the computer.

And kept working.